Those darn pantyhose

Those darned pantyhose ©

By Dee Gatrell

I don’t know if any of you still wear pantyhose. I know I gave them up years ago. Why?

First they were miserable to put on and to wear. There I’d be in the middle of the day and somewhere around my middle thigh I’d have a bust out that by the end of the day would leave a sore spot. Or somehow I’d manage to get a run down the leg.

But worse than that were the times when embarrassing things happened. 

I was younger and thinner in the days when I worked at the college’s Hunt Club facility. We were very small and had to do everything from admissions to registering students to advising and we even had to sell books. 

There was one day when I had a dress on and had to climb on a chair to get a book from a top shelf of the area that was the bookstore. My backside faced the area where the cashier took the money. I heard my co-workers snickering, but didn’t know why.  By the time I got off the chair and walked out to the counter with the books, my co-workers were laughing hysterically.

I glared at them and hissed, “What’s so funny?”

After I handed the book to the still giggling cashier, my co-worker pulled me into her office. 

“Turn around and let me fix your dress. You just flashed those folks waiting in line. Your dress is tucked into your pantyhose.”

“I’m not going back out there.” I could feel the heat rising up my neck, and it wasn’t from a hot flash. “I’ll see students in my office.”

A month later I was decked out in my red power suit and attended one of my writers meetings. It was held at one of those restaurants where you lined up and ordered food. After the meeting we’d buy lunch and eat together. So I had visited the restroom first and waited in line. A woman standing behind me in line said, “Honey, is your slip supposed to be showing as part of your outfit?”

I reached behind me and pulled my skirt down. “Thank you. No, it isn’t. I thought I had made sure it wasn’t tucked into my pantyhose.”

I decided to quit wearing dresses and pantyhose and went to slacks. One day after my restroom visit I was walking down the hallway to my office when the security guard said, “You have something hanging out of your pants.” And before I could find out what it was, he pulled it out and handed it to me. You know those paper things you sit on in public restrooms? It seems it caught up in my undies and there it was for all the world to see.

Dang pantyhose was bad enough, but now I have to always check to make sure I’m not attached to those seat covers.